More Than Manners

Judith Martin is an American writer who for more than forty years has had a syndicated newspaper column in which she answers readers’ questions about social etiquette. She’s better known by her pen name Miss Manners. Miss Manners can advise you on the proper and polite way to behave at all kinds of social functions. In an era when good manners seem to be increasingly a thing of the past, Miss Manners helps her readers mind them nonetheless.

Manners play an important role in today’s Gospel. Jesus is attending a dinner party of one of the leading Pharisees of the day, a dinner no doubt attended by other prominent persons. As we heard, they invited him to see how this famous but itinerant rabbi would behave in a social situation that was probably much more elevated than what he was used to. As always, Jesus is full of surprises: he uses the occasion to give a parable which has a critique for everyone present. He tells the guests they should not be so eager to vie for social position lest they be shamed in having to give up their place to someone more important. And to his host, Jesus gives a list of guests who would have been better than the ones he had invited: the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind. Jesus is never portrayed in the Gospels as someone who cares too much about social convention, but offending everyone present is a little extreme even for him.

Of course, Jesus is not being rude for rude’s sake. His parable is intended to help those present, and us who hear it today, learn a wisdom that goes far beyond social etiquette – a kind of good behavior that far exceeds what Miss Manners can tell you. Jesus is advising us that for the kingdom of God, humility is the social standard that matters. From Adam and Eve until today, every sin is a form of pride, when we think that in a given circumstance or situation we know better than God what is best for us. It’s for that reason that humility, the antidote to pride, has a special favor in God’s eyes. As the Book of Sirach says in our first reading, God favors humility because it helps us maintain right relationship to him and to everyone else. If pride is the beginning of every sin, then humility is the beginning of all virtue. 

Luke 14 Banquet by Hyatt Moore

Humility is a good virtue to strive for, but it presents a particular problem: it's hard to assess. We know that if a person says, “I’m very humble; I’m really great at humility,” then we can be sure that by that very statement they’ve missed the mark. At other times, we may think that humility is about putting ourselves down, about thinking lesser of our own worth and value as compared to others. But that’s also a mistake, because humility is not about being demure and unassuming, about thinking how low and unfortunate and undeserving we are – that’s just a hidden form of spiritual pride. True humility is about understanding ourselves rightly, about maintaining a proper order between ourselves and God and others.

That’s a difficult thing to analyze. So how do we know when we have achieved humility? I think the answer is that we can’t. Humility is really only a virtue that can be seen by others, and for most of us, it’s probably something we can always stand to have more of, a virtue to grow in until the day we die. We’ve all heard that saying, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” There’s some truth to that but really humility is better described by what C.S. Lewis once wrote: the truly humble man does not think about his own humility because he doesn’t think about himself much at all.

As Jesus describes in the Gospel, humility is best achieved by concrete actions. If I may, taking a cue from Miss Manners, allow me to suggest some things that we can do, myself included, to seek to grow in humility:

1) Pray. Making prayer an integral part of our daily routine is a great way of ensuring we don’t become too full of ourselves. Whether it is a blessing before meals, or making a morning offering or an evening examination of conscience, or simply elevating our thoughts to God and speaking to him from our heart throughout the day, prayer helps us to remain in right relationship with the God who has made us and who sustains in being.

2) Love the Eucharist. Jesus gives us the command to be humble in today’s Gospel, but he shows us the standard for how to be humble by his sacrifice on the Cross. Each time we come to Mass, we are made spiritually present at the moment on Calvary, gaining strength from our Lord’s example. Each time we receive the Eucharist, we receive the Lord’s own Real Presence, who is humble enough to come to us hidden under the appearance of bread and wine. By contemplating the love of such a humble Savior, we can find the strength to love his presence in the humblest of our brothers and sisters.

3) Give alms. Almsgiving in the Christian life is about more than just being generous with our money. It also means understanding how the things I own also belong to those who are most in need. St. John Chrysostom, the 4th century bishop, once preached that we offend God when we seek to honor his presence in church but ignore his presence in the world around us. The most precious temple, he said, is not a church building but the person in our midst whose affliction we can directly help. That's why charitable works and charitable giving are never optional for us, even when money is tight. It's an essential part of the lived experience of our faith, and a great way of growing in humility.

Friends, we can learn from Miss Manners about politeness, propriety, and the other social virtues needed for banquets on earth. But only Jesus can teach us the virtues that will aid us in reaching the heavenly banquet. In a world gone mad with ambition, greed, and jostling for position, perhaps the virtue we need more than any other is humility, the virtue that Jesus demonstrates better than anyone else. The humble person enjoys a special favor in the eyes of God because in humility we become more like Jesus himself. Through prayer, through love of the Eucharist, and through charity and almsgiving, we can strive to put humility into action, and so become worthy of a place at the heavenly feast.